You were my earth
It was that ugly time of year. When the snow looked stained with brown and yellow and the slick ice smeared across the asphalt. The sun barely peaked through the gray clouds and a darkness seemed to settle over the sky the entire day.
It suited Elizabeth. The view outside the window of Kelly’s felt like the winter inside her heart. She was hibernating within herself and that would have been fine if that meant she’d never see him, feel him or sense him.
But she did, because she couldn’t stop herself anymore than she could stop the Earth from turning on its axle. The days would keep going and everyone around her didn’t seem to notice how time slipped away but the pain would not.
The door in front of Kelly’s opened and Elizabeth felt like another weight was added to the string tugging at her heart. She didn’t know why she lashed out at Courtney just an hour before and now that he was here, all she could feel was the anger.
She was angry that he could make her do things she hated about other people. She was angry that her feelings for him had made her seem irrational, insecure and paranoid and possessive. Like Carly.
As she looked away, a memory seemed to ask, “But that was love, wasn’t it?”
But you didn't know all the ways I loved you, no
“Then what’s the word for saying something you don’t feel? Or doing something you don’t want to do?”
“Love.”
Elizabeth sighed. Even when all she wanted was to forget him, his voice still filled her head. She hated it.
Courtney’s words still echoed there, too, mixed up with old memories and lost chances. It was a wonder she could make sense of anything anymore. But there was a reason all of this had happened and Elizabeth couldn’t blame it all on Courtney even if she wanted to.
No, it was Elizabeth who had walked away. She was the one who didn’t tell Jason how she really felt so many times before and let him leave without a fight. So how could she blame him for letting her walk away?
Not that she didn’t have her reasons.
So you took a chance
And made other plans
Elizabeth still felt that fear in the pit of her stomach every once in awhile. She had started to get used to it as Jason left the penthouse each night to go to places he wouldn’t tell her about and do things that he couldn’t explain to her. That familiar feeling just wouldn’t go away. It would sneak up on her at the most random times, reminding her why she had to leave him in the first place.
But it still felt wrong. Like they should have had more time, more of a chance. How could he have moved on so quickly?
But I bet you didn't think your world come crashing down, no
She had walked away that day, trying to show him that she wanted more for him. More than a life where his greatest virtue was compromised at every turn. She didn’t want to change him, but she wanted him to want more for himself.
She took the risk and she had lost. Maybe it was immature, maybe she overreacted, but whatever the reason, she wasn’t sorry she had done it.
You don't have to say, what you did,
I already know, I found out from him
When Zander told her that Sonny was alive, all she could feel was numbness. The one man she had trusted more than anyone had lied to her.
She had only one reaction to that . . . anger. The last time she had been lied to, two people she thought cared about her had been making a fool of her.
So maybe it was a rash decision to pack her bags and leave. Maybe it was cowardly to run away. Maybe she should have thought it out more, but it didn’t make her words any less true.
Now there's just no chance, for you and me, we'll never be
Don't it make you sad about it?
She had meant every word. She had been trying to say it for so long, but Jason’s part in her life was too precious to risk. But the elements seemed to align for that moment that made her react the way she had.
His lies, her worry over his lack of grief, his abandonment, her need for his trust . . . it all added up to that moment where she had to fight back. Not just for herself, but for him too.
You told me you loved me
Why did you leave me, all alone?
She thought she and Jason had something. Something that was special and would last. She was so sure she could handle his life and be a part of it because they had been through so much. But one lie and it all came tumbling down.
He had looked at her and told her he cared and that he wanted to be with her and that he’d try . . . and then turned his back and left. She thought the looks he gave her promised something that wasn’t real. He didn’t love her but somehow she had thought he might.
Elizabeth shook her head. She wasn’t a needy person. Not even the worst thing that had ever happened to her made her go looking for attention or special treatment. She didn’t need him to be with her physically, but it was a reason for her to worry. It made her wonder whether his grief would cause him to do something that could cost him more than his freedom.
So with all those feelings bottled up and ready to explode, the truth came out and Elizabeth would not apologize for her reaction. She had left him with words that she hoped would make him understand her pain.
Maybe it was a test, she didn’t know, but she had rolled the dice and she had lost. Again.
Now you tell me you need me
When you call me, on the phone
Girl I refuse, you must have me confused
With some other guy
So she had turned her back on him, hoping that something would spark in him to fight for her. He didn’t.
Instead, he turned to another woman because Elizabeth had turned from him. Who could blame him? Courtney had turned out to be everything Elizabeth was not. Courtney didn’t call Jason on his unquestioned loyalty to Sonny. Courtney didn’t turn her back on him when he hadn’t treated her with the decency of telling her something to stop her from worrying. Courtney was the obedient, sweet, innocent, vision of what Jason wanted in a woman.
It was partly Elizabeth’s fault. She had let her mistrust of Sarah and especially Lucky make her react so harshly. Their friendship deserved more than that from her, but the outcome would probably have been the same. Jason didn’t want her and she wasn’t right for him. He had said so himself.
The bridges were burned, and now it's your turn
To cry, cry me a river
And it hurt. Like hell.
But she would not give up. She would never let herself be destroyed by someone, no matter who it was or how much that person meant to her.
She had shed her tears and felt the pain, but she wouldn’t let it go on. She had cried her share. He didn’t want her so why waste her tears? She had cried so much because of Jason and she was weary.
She had cried the first time he walked out of her studio. He had been the rock in her life and she wasn’t ready to let go. It was hard, but she had managed to hold onto her friendship with him for support.
She had cried the first time he tried to turn her away. Her friendship with him had become something real and honest. She didn’t want to lose that and she was willing to take the risk if he would just let her.
She had cried the first time he left Port Charles. Sitting on the docks just a few stair steps away from where she was standing now, she listened to him explain why he was leaving with tears in her eyes. But she promised him then that they would have another chance. She would see him later and their friendship would live on.
She had cried the first time her feelings for him started to become more. She had tried to fight it, for what reason, she didn’t know, but she was so sure she needed to be with Lucky. She had tried to explain to him that as much as she thought she had to be with Lucky, she couldn’t sacrifice her relationship with Jason to do it. It was scary because the one thing that had become the first sure thing in her life wasn’t so secure anymore.
She had cried the first time he told her how he felt about her. Well, as much as Jason would without saying the words. She had been waiting for some kind of sign from him that her feelings were returned and now that she heard it, she was afraid of what it meant. But after seeing him with Courtney she wondered if it ever meant anything at all to him.
She had cried when he told her that his life was too dangerous for her to be in it. She had realized that what she felt for him wasn’t something she could walk away from. But he could. He couldn’t be the friend she needed. That was what he told her. He didn’t understand that the friend wasn’t who she was crying for that night.
And she cried when she realized he had moved on because they never had a chance. He had taken her words for face value and found someone he could be with who wouldn’t walk out on him because of his life. Someone he thought could handle the way he lived, but what he really asked for was someone who wouldn’t question it.
I know that they say
That some things are better left unsaid
So all those misunderstandings and miscommunications between them would end. Sweet misery, though it was, it was over now. Jason would never turn back and Elizabeth had to move on. There was so much left of him inside her heart and inside her head but she had to keep that under the surface.
She would never again cry over a man who didn’t love her. It was humiliating when, in the end, she would be left alone anyway.
She leaned over the counter to grab a pad of paper for her orders. She felt Jason walk towards Courtney and could hear the warmth in his voice to the other woman. Courtney laughed in response and Elizabeth did her best to keep her composure.
It wasn't like you only talked to him and you know it
Don't act like you don't know it
She was still angry at Courtney. She wondered if every blonde woman she ever met would somehow lie to her and make a fool of her.
First, there was Sarah who, while sleeping with Lucky, pretended to be the supportive sister. Then came Carly who gave Elizabeth lectures about handling the mob life while lying to her face about Sonny’s death. Now, Elizabeth had Courtney who probably was the best liar of all.
Elizabeth had to hand it to Courtney. The innocent, naive and supportive facade really fooled Elizabeth. Even with her battle scars with Sarah and Carly, Elizabeth still fell for the act that Courtney had played so perfectly.
All of these things people told me
Keep messing with my head
Courtney kept telling her again and again to fight for Jason and that she belonged with him. All the while, Courtney had been falling for Jason herself.
All those times Courtney had said the things that Elizabeth needed to hear, Elizabeth never realized why Courtney was so kind. What Elizabeth had mistaken as being a good listener was really Courtney’s way of finding out information.
But Elizabeth had fallen for it when she should have known better. There was no such thing as a completely unselfish person. Jason had come close, but Elizabeth knew even he had his motives. Elizabeth sighed. She had put far too much credit on Courtney’s kindness and had let herself be fooled into the security of their friendship.
You should've picked honesty
Then you may not have blown it
Elizabeth still felt a little bit of guilt for encouraging Courtney, though. She had told Courtney that she would be fine with it if Jason and Courtney got together. But Elizabeth somehow hoped that Courtney could see through her defense mechanism like Courtney seemed to have done so many times before. All those times when it had suited the blonde girl to appear as the supportive friend.
Elizabeth should have just been honest. She should have pushed Jason harder to see why she had walked away. But it was too late now.
The damage is done
So I guess I’ll be leaving
Elizabeth took the pad in her hand, gave it one last glance and slammed it onto the counter. She didn’t need this. She had had enough of being the one that loses out.
Tugging hard at the string tying her apron together on her back, Elizabeth pulled it off and threw it on the counter. A few curious eyes turned to her, including two pairs of blue ones Elizabeth didn’t care to recognize. Elizabeth didn’t care, period.
Walking to the coat rack next the door, Elizabeth grabbed her jacket.
Courtney finally spoke up. “Elizabeth, where are you going? Your shift just started.”
Elizabeth plastered a smile on her face and turned to Courtney. “I am taking a page out of your book. Cover for me, won’t you?”
Elizabeth put on her jacket and walked to the door, not giving a second glance at the blonde girl.
“You can’t just leave!” Courtney said.
“Watch me,” Elizabeth said as she stepped outside.
The snow was starting to fall and the small white flakes cooled the heated cheeks that bore Elizabeth’s anger that was starting to ease away her pain. A sense of calm came over her and she bundled her coat tighter.
It felt good.
“Elizabeth!” a voice called after her.
Elizabeth turned to face the man that she was finally ready to walk away from. She smiled at him sincerely. “Yeah?”
“Are you okay?” Jason said.
“Is Courtney afraid she’ll get in trouble for letting me run out? Did she send you to run after me? Courtney can tell Bobbie I quit or left her high and dry. It’ll make her even more sympathetic to the people of Port Charles,” Elizabeth said without any hesitation or spitefulness. She really believed the things she said.
“Elizabeth, don’t be like that,” Jason replied.
“You never told me how to act or feel before Jason, but I guess this is the new you, right?” Elizabeth said.
Jason shook his head. “Courtney and I never meant to hurt you.”
Elizabeth shook her head in disbelief, but she shrugged. It just made it easier to walk away because the Jason in front of her wasn’t someone she recognized. “I know you believe that,” Elizabeth said. “But the damage is done.”
Jason looked at her in wonderment. “Elizabeth . . .”
“So, I guess I’ll be leaving,” Elizabeth said before Jason could complete his thought.
“Wait!” Jason said.
Elizabeth turned solely because of the shock of his words. He was stopping her?
“I don’t want you to have to come into work everyday looking at Courtney like someone who was out to get you. What happened between me and her had nothing to do with you, Elizabeth,” Jason explained.
“I get that, just like Sonny’s fake death and the whole charade had nothing to do with me,” Elizabeth said. If Jason didn’t see Courtney for who she was, Elizabeth sure wasn’t going to be the one to tell him.
“But I see you, Elizabeth,” Jason said. “The way you look at her and the way you turn away when you see us together. I know it hurts you.”
“Do you want me to admit it, Jason? Why?” Elizabeth asked.
“I don’t want it to run your life, Elizabeth. Going to work everyday and seeing her and walking around town and seeing us, I don’t want that to make you miserable,” Jason said.
Elizabeth gave him a smile that was different from any other one she had given him since he first left Port Charles. It wasn’t brave. It wasn’t pretending. It wasn’t sad. It wasn’t painful. It was just defeated. “Lucky for you then,” Elizabeth said. “I won’t.”
“You won’t what?” Jason questioned.
“I won’t put myself in a situation where I am the victim, Jason. You didn’t know me when I was raped. You weren’t here when Lucky was brainwashed for the second time. But I thought that since you knew me when I was shot, when I was kidnapped, when I had a bomb in the studio, you would know that about me. I am not the damsel in distress type.”
“I know you aren’t,” Jason said.
“You obviously don’t if you think I’m going to be pining after you and being hateful towards Courtney because she got what I couldn’t have. I am not the jealous type either. I just don’t like being lied to and now you and Courtney both know that. Mission accomplished.”
Jason flinched at the coldness of her voice.
“I’m leaving Port Charles,” Elizabeth said. “I thought I should tell you since you gave me that courtesy the first time you left.”
Jason stared at her. “What?”
“It’s not because of you and Courtney, so don’t worry about that. Although I am sure you won’t shed any tears over me leaving,” Elizabeth said. She really believed that. She wasn’t just fishing for his sympathy.
“Then why?” Jason asked, the shock filling his every nerve.
“There’s nothing for me here, Jason. I stayed once because of Lucky and when we were over, I stayed because of you. I can’t be a waitress forever and I want something more for myself than this small town,” Elizabeth said.
“You told me once at this very spot that you liked Port Charles,” Jason said, gesturing to the table under the blanket of snow.
Surprised at his memory, Elizabeth nodded. “This town seemed like more when I thought there was more for me here.”
“Even after you thought Lucky was dead? You told me that after you thought Lucky died in the fire. What was left for you here?” Jason asked.
“I had you,” Elizabeth said simply. “I had our friendship.”
Jason’s breath caught in his throat. Had he meant that much to her so quickly? He hadn’t realized it back then.
“I’m still looking for that little bit of peace that everyone searches for, Jason. You made it clear to me that I won’t find it with you and I think I’ve outgrown this place. It’ll be nice to see where I can find a home,” Elizabeth said.
“You can’t find it here?” Jason questioned.
Elizabeth sighed. “I’ve always been the outcast. No matter how much anyone loved me or cared about me, it was never enough for me or for them. I don’t want to have to fight for happiness anymore, Jason. It’s not how it should be. At least, I have to believe that.”
“You’re running away,” Jason said.
Elizabeth shook her head. “Not away . . . towards something.”
Jason watched as Elizabeth started to walk away, his heart feeling that pull it always felt whenever he felt her leave.
“What are you looking for?” Jason asked finally.
Elizabeth didn’t turn around. She just answered. “For something I am still hoping is real. Happiness without the tears. Real love. Like what you found.”
Jason let her walk out of the courtyard, out of his life, knowing she was wrong. He had thought he had found love with Courtney. She was everything he thought he wanted. But what he had with Courtney couldn’t make him cry tears. Not because it was love like Elizabeth seemed to believe, but because it wasn’t.
He had cried over Robin so many times. He had hurt over Carly but he had never shed real tears. He knew the difference.
He would cry for her. He would cry for Elizabeth. His heart always cried for her.
The bridges were burned, and now it's your turn
To cry, cry me a river